Thirty of us have just finished playing an interactive ice-breaker at an in-person experience design training I am leading. Inevitably, someone says, “That was great, but how do you do that virtually?” In all honesty, until recently, I haven’t had a good answer to that question because I have been a self-proclaimed “in-person person” when it comes to events for the past 20 years.
Now, with the rise of a global pandemic and the proliferation of remote work, I can no longer excuse myself from this critical leadership skill of translating in-person programs into online experiences. The world has changed. At least for now and for the foreseeable future, virtual events have become the new normal.
Unfortunately, the virtual world tends to focus on the often-boring delivery of information and quite literally reduces us to two-dimensional beings. Viewed only through a screen, it can be easy to lose sight of our humanity, and to feel isolated and alone. But don’t give up hope just yet! You can absolutely optimize these platforms for meaningful connection as long as you are willing to make it a priority. I can tell you from having taken all my programs online, you can build a real community through these mediums that makes time in front of a screen totally worth it.
At most in-person events, attendees connect at a lunch break, while waiting in line for the restroom, or at a casual happy hour. We assume these moments of serendipity will be enough to check off the boxes for “networking” and “building community.” However, in a virtual context, there is no opportunity for connection by accident — we must design for connection on purpose.
Priya Parker, the author of the seminal book on experience design called The Art of Gathering, refers to this as “Don’t be a chill host.” It means that as the convener, you can’t just sit back and let things happen. You have a responsibility to intentionally guide attendees through the process of building trust and rapport, so they get the full benefit of attending your event.
To help our attendees achieve the goal of building authentic relationships, we have to include these opportunities in the main part of our program. We have to make connection a priority, and at times be willing to prioritize connection over content. Connection reminds us of our humanity. It invokes our empathy, understanding, and compassion, all of which are needed during these turbulent times. We need to create structured, facilitated opportunities for people to connect in meaningful ways, otherwise we risk that it may not happen at all.
Here are three ways you can make sure every one of your attendees has intentional opportunities to connect and leaves feeling like they are part of a community.
The beginning of an event sets the tone for everything to come, and you only have one chance to make a first impression. This is the moment to actively engage participants and get them sharing something significant with each other. If you miss this window, attendees will go into “passive observer” mode, and it will be harder to get them to speak up and share later.
Many event organizers and marketers spend the first few, precious minutes attempting to get logistics out of the way by making announcements or thanking sponsors, but resist the urge. This is your opportunity to start building a sense of community right off the bat.
There are two main opportunities to create connection toward the beginning of a virtual event.
The process of arrival is those few awkward minutes when people are arriving on the call, before you have begun the main program. This “unofficial start,” as Marc Collard — the founder of online game database Playmeo — calls it, is still a powerful opportunity to create engagement and connection right away. Here are some suggestions to make the most of these initial moments together:
An ice-breaker is a facilitated opportunity for participants to connect with one another and get to know each other a bit better. You want to make sure this happens within the first 10 minutes of your event, to make sure that participants are engaged and have an opportunity to contribute their voice. If you’re intimidated at having to come up with some complex game that isn’t cheesy and played out, then rest assured it doesn’t have to be complicated or scary. This can be as simple as posing a question for people to discuss in small groups, and can be done in as little as five minutes.
You don’t need to spend a lot of time facilitating connection, as long as you do it often. It’s more important to have multiple touchpoints so it’s a consistent thread that ties your event together. These activities can take as little as five minutes, and can be a profound way to connect attendees and drive your message forward.
Ideal times to facilitate connection (in addition to the beginning of your event) are:
In a study on interpersonal closeness that birthed the famous article 36 questions that will make you fall in love with anyone, the researchers found that, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Trust is something that is earned over time, so it’s important to start slowly and build incrementally to greater levels of personal sharing as we go.
At the beginning of your event, you can start with some simple questions like, “What brought you here?” or “What are you hoping to get from this experience?” As your event progresses, ask questions to invite deeper layers of self-disclosure. One way to do this is to include questions that cross over from the professional context to the personal, like “When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?” or “What’s something on your bucket list and why is it important to you?”
One tried-and-true way of helping participants dig a bit deeper is to pair people up and ask them to use the prompt “If you really knew me, you’d know…” It invites us to skip the initial layers of small talk, and to share something significant beneath the surface. I usually share some personal examples first, as modeling vulnerability gives your participants permission to do the same. I might offer a few examples like, “If you really knew me you’d know I grew up feeling lonely as an only child in New York City,” or “If you really knew me you’d know that I get nervous in a room full of strangers.”
Now it’s your turn…
If you are someone who is usually behind the scenes, it can be scary to come to the front of the virtual room and lead a connection exercise. Thankfully, there are resources that can support you in this endeavor:
I can tell you that from my 20 years of designing and delivering events to tens of thousands of people around the world — from the yoga world to the corporate world — creating intimacy at scale is totally possible. It's possible regardless of how big your group is, how little time you have, or if your attendees are complete strangers. It’s possible regardless of your format or platform, as long as you make it a priority and design with that intention. It’s what attendees crave the most and receive the least. Connection is the key that unlocks a group’s greatest potential and highest capabilities, and that key is in your hands. Your attendees will thank you for it.
